For the last few months, I have been clearing space in my life for a new cycle; a new year.
This week is my birthday week and with each new birthday, we have the opportunity to start a new year of intentions, aspirations and desires.
For me, 2015 has been about healing and shedding of what no longer serves me. It has been about fully WAKING UP. Traveling and exploring beyond my boundaries. And I have let my words flow through me to release my fear of vulnerability ( different than transparency) and judgement.
For the next cycle of my life I will pull within: healing + release, financial abundance, passionate love, creative flow, more travel abroad and spontaneity.
Before I move forward, I must release one last, very deep seeded trauma within my childhood and adolescence. I am not sure I even knew it was so significant until the last few months, and I have been paying attention.
A lot of times we think sexual trauma means you were physically abused in some way. But trauma and shame can come in many different hues and forms.
For me, it came in sexual shaming with the use of fear.
I was around grandparents, whom I love very much for the contrast, that were very strict within the confounds of organized religion. I grew up hearing that sex before marriage was a sin and if you chose to be sexual before then, you would pay the consequences.
I remember thinking about that very deeply as a 10 year old. I thought, I don't want the "Devil" to pay attention to me and God to be angry with me for feeling sexual. I desired a deep connection with a man early on in my life and I knew that was in my future.
I remember consciously shutting my body down, in order to "follow the rules" that I was told.
I believe before this conditioning, I was authentically a sexual human being.
There is a deep seeded awareness within our consciousness that remembers how sex can connect us. It connects us to our true self, unconditional love and acceptance; it connects us to the highest energy possible we can achieve as humans. Over time, society has made this connection taboo, something we can only talk about in private, and even an act solely provided to us for procreation. That is all a bunch of bullshit.
Over many generations this conditioning has continued to stay strong. Within this new cycle of earth, and souls awakening to their true, soul selves; we are beginning to see this mindset weaken. We are beginning to see a new generation of souls embracing who they are through the flow of their bodies, sexuality and voice. It no longer serves our being to feel repressed, closeted or shameful for who we are.
As I carried these shameful, restricting thoughts into my youth, I began to see just how fearful I became of anything sexual.
I wanted to explore my desires but I put all kinds of rules into the equation. I wouldn't kiss a body until a certain age, I wouldn't let them feel me up until this age, and I definitely won't have sex until this age. This was my inner dialogue during my whole childhood.
I took away all of my emotional indicators......I took away my intuition.
That is what conditioning does in our lives. It takes away our inner guidance system that is based on how we feel, emotionally within.
I ended up kissing a boy in 7th grade while watching She's All That at the movies. I still can't chew WinterFresh gum because of that first, sloppy, weirdness of a kiss. I explored foreplay at 15, and I had sex when I was 16, a number I picked intentionally.
That is when the trauma occurred around sex in my life and why it has taken me years to heal, surrender and feel as though I could unleash my true nature.
I fell deep into someone's energy, while thinking it was love, at 15. It took me 9 months to finally let myself surrender and have sex. But by then it was tarnished, unfaithful and I did not feel honored or safe anymore.
He had already cheated on me with another, and yet I still convinced myself it was the right thing to do. I believe I felt it would show how much I loved him, wanted him and forgave him. I stopped focusing on my desires and only thought of the desires of another. But it was my body that would take on the consequences, even if my mind could not comprehend that yet.
The first time is usually never pleasant anyways, but I took on a tarnished view of worthiness that would affect me for more than a decade to come; I just didn't know it yet. I did not honor myself, my worth and my body by not cutting ties with his deceit. Something I still to this day do not regret because the contrast is a beautiful gift.
I have learned, even consented sex can contain sexual trauma. And the conditioning my grandparents showed me of their own fear and views of sexuality, really derailed me for a very long time. My task was to pull myself from these mindsets, views and fear-based conditions.
I can say proudly as of right now, I have arrived. I no longer am bound by the fear of my sexual nature. I no longer fear speaking about anything related to sex or my desires within this life around my sexuality. I have forgiven myself for emotionally abusing my body though my choices and actions. I have forgiven my past lover for not honoring my body. He had no real love for his own being, it is the only way he knew how to love then, and I accept him for who he is.
I am beginning to understand how all of this affected me for the last 15 years. I am beginning to understand truly how powerful we are in this life, and how every wall can be torn down and burned!
I am still working through what I want, what I desire and what I deserve in this lifetime. I visualize it everyday and I will bring it into my experience, when the universe says it is the right time.
Our beginning stages of sexuality, views about our bodies and our past decisions, do not define who we are now.
It is all contrast for what we want and what we don't want. We can heal and grow from anything that has been laid within our path.
I now see this clearly and fully believe, we are all worthy of everything we desire. And it will come as soon as you surrender and let go.
Do not be shameful if you are sexual. Honor your body, be wise who you share it with and know you are in full control of what you do in this life.
But never, I repeat never, allow someone to make you feel too sexual, too open or that you desire too much. We came here to desire everything and anything. There is enough desire for 1,000 lifetimes of accomplishments.
Know that your first experiences in life towards sex or your body do not define you. Limiting believes about why you are here and who you are, these beliefs can be dissolved away with your passion for growth and love.
Love yourself first, then you will be shown the love you seek.
Namaste, Britt Johnson