The Narcissist and the Little Girl

I believe nothing in life is by chance, by coincidence or by the fault of the stars. I believe our future is in our own hands, by choice and free will.

Alignment is always as it should be, even when we may curse the Universe for the pain it causes.

Before I was born into this life, I knew exactly what I was capable of enduring. We all know what can can handle, before we step into this journey.
I knew I was capable of unwavering forgiveness, love, loyalty and I would develop a noticeable layer of thick skin.

I chose to be born, raised and loosely embraced, by a narcissistic father.

What is a narcissist? The dictionary describes this term as a person who is overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish.

But this is not a story about what a book, written in generic definition has to say.
This story is about my life, coping and living in his tortured reality. Breathing in the toxins of manipulation, and existing within a state of emotional warfare.
While also making sure to not lose myself completely in the process.

I was tormented by words, it was never physical abuse.
Negative words about my mother, were spoken as if his hands slapped my face. His hour long cries of a tortured childhood, a women who left him and life path he could not see - it was like being burned slowly by the end of of a cigarette.

I have never been physically abused and I know nothing of domestic violence. I know they are different but I am not sure which one is worse. I may never know the answer to this, and I surely am never going to say which I would prefer.

I know how words feel and I know what broken bones feel like too. I can say in this very moment, I think of words more often than the broken bones I've endured.

I can not recall the pain of those breaks, just as I can not describe childbirth in detail. I would not be able to say what it left negatively within my being.
My broken bones happened because I have the beautiful curse of being adventurous, and I chose to bring life into the world; all events I don't see as negative or replay in my mind.

But those harmful words spoken are imprinted within my memory. And on occasion, life sends waves of events to see what will trigger those dormant wounds. I can recall exactly how I felt in the moments those words were spoken.
Just as we can recall when someone we love dies. I know exactly how those pieces of me within, felt as if they were disappearing slowly.

As an adult, I get to choose what effects me by the length in which I hold onto something. I get to choose whether I will be stuck in a car with someone who cares only about themselves.

I get to choose whether or not I listen to him talk negatively about other souls. I can now stop him in his tracks, bow out and say ENOUGH.

As a child, I had to endure it.

I was just an innocent child and that is when I was the best target. I was impressionable, I was vulnerable, and I loved him. He saw all of this and ran with it.

I had to learn the patterns, decide my own views, attitude and my cooperation within negativity. I had to learn my worth, learn forgiveness and I had to learn the many masks abuse can wear.

I learned the contrast between what felt good and what felt like darkness. I was brain washed in so many ways by my father's illusions of the world.

His illusions of what makes us happy in life, did a number on my perception.

I learned that conditional things make you feel good. But what he neglected to teach me was that it is only temporary.

I watched him constantly seek material things from this life and from others. I watched him use tears for sympathy and fits of rage to sway others towards his needs. I watched lies told in order to seek and maintain control.

And from the outside, I watched a man show me what my future could consist of.

A narcissist is good at making you feel loved and safe. They make you feel as if somehow, they are always thinking of you. They have a genius way of making you question who you are, if your life is even worth anything, and if your views are even valid.

They play the victim and the martyr as if they are professionals at it. And some days, you find yourself crying right along with them.

Somehow you have been convinced the world is a dark, scary place where know one can be trusted. My father often said, life is a bitch and then you die.

He is brilliant at playing the fool and intellectual, all at the same time. He knows how to make you feel sorry for him and confused by his sly way of flipping any story back towards you.

His quick responses would leave me frozen in place. I was a hostage by my father's emotional, Russian Roulette.

Like I said before, I believe we chose to teach each other lessons in this life. I chose him and he chose me, for many reasons.

I now know one of the reasons is forgiveness.

I will forgive him for the lies, the emotional manipulation and his selfishness. I will forgive him for blowing away all of the inheritance my grandparents left him, while I received no support given to me. I will forgive him for not knowing how to be a supportive father. He did the best he could, due to the conditions in which he was taught.

I will do this because it will teach me who I am.

He was not taught how to be selfless. He was taught that there was no need to work for things in this life, they would be handed to him by the skill, of using words to persuade others in his favor.

I was able to pay attention to how he treated others. And I acknowledged that I was not going to be the exception, just because I am his daughter.

Narcissist don't have exceptions for anyone along their path. They are only thinking of what they need, in order to feel content and happy.

I feel I was presented this relationship to also learn boundaries. I can love from a distance, without feeling guilty for doing so.

I do not feel guilty because no matter what I say or do, the circumstance will never change. How he treats me will never change. So if I allow myself to feel guilty, I am only punishing myself.

My advice for those in the same situation is this:

Do not ever allow anyone outside of you, define who you are or make you question your decisions.

Decide how much of your energy you can give, without feeling emotionally assaulted. Set boundaries.

Understand that people do not change for other people, they can only do it for themselves.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Even if it is your parent. ( thank you Maya Angelou)

We are not who our parents are, what they have done or what they haven't done. They are here to show us all the things in them we desire, and all the things we choose to not be like. Contrast.

Love them. Love them. Love them. This is the most important.

They are hurting inside and have never found their true voice. Do not feel sorry for them and their choices. Instead, love them for who they are and who they will never be in this life for you.

Once you know who you are and how important your life truly is, validation is not needed. Do not ever let anyone define who you are or what you can achieve.

Britt Johnson